I’m not sure if anyone will ever read this, but I need to get this out there to someone. I don’t have anyone to really talk to because everything just seems so fake.
I’m 18 years old, male, gay, and I’ve never felt so lost.
In high school I had confidence that I knew what I wanted to do in my life. I wanted to go to New York and study English and become a writer which is where I am now. I’m realizing now I hate English class and I have no desire to major in it. Now I have no clue what to do with my life. People are writing all over the internet that a degree in Screenwriting or Creative Writing is useless and you can do those things without a college degree.
Most people say to major in something practical. Psychology, Medicine, whatever. Something that opens up a lot of career options once your done. I am not a study kind of person. To be honest I would rather be reading or writing or watching TV. I’m not the kind of person who learns useless facts about trigonometry and the anatomy of the brain. Okay maybe they aren’t useless facts, but I don’t find them fascinating in the least so my brain just doesn’t hold onto any information like that. It’s to busy coming up with creative ideas for novels and movie scripts.
When people talked about being depressed because they felt “lost” like they didn’t know their purpose in life I never thought I would ever feel that way. No I just feel like a stupid kid who has no direction anymore. Everyone in my family expects so much from me. Unlike my cousins and other kids in the neighborhood I would never get drunk or party or even get speeding tickets. I was the good kid and now I can’t screw up in the slightest or I’m just wasting my potential. I have no clue what everyone else sees or why they put me on this pedestal.
I have friends, but lately I feel like I don’t have a real connection with anyone. I’m always the one who has to reach out, make plans. Back home my friends never text me, I always have to text them, even my best friend in this world who has become like a sister to me and a daughter to my parents. I feel like I care more about everyone then anyone feels about me. Sometimes I doubt my father’s own love for me.
I’ve told everyone that I’m gay outside my family. Telling my parents terrifies me and part of me wonders if I subconsciously have linked everything about my life to that stress, but most often I don’t see how any of these things could be related. Sometimes I worry that I will never be in a real relationship or find one person in this world who will care and love me equally as I do for them.
I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of never finding a purpose in life. I’m just afraid that nothing means anything.
Another thing you should know about me is that I was bullied in middle school and it’s left my confidence and self-esteem in ruins. I dress average because I’m afraid if I try and dress nicely people will mock me for it. I don’t use the restroom in public. I get sweaty and nervous when ordering food in public because I think people are judging me for being fat and for what I’m eating. People tell me I’m a good looking kid, but no matter who says it, I don’t ever believe them. No stranger has ever complimented me.
My friends back home are getting into weed and alcohol, something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to indulge in. I hate being a goody two shoes sometimes, but I’ll never have the confidence to do something reckless and sometimes I worry that makes me boring. What thrills have I ever really experienced in life? They say that it’s fine I don’t smoke. But lets be real, me being sober and them not being sober creates a division with them all on one side and me alone on the other. I’ll stopped being invited to stuff and soon I’ll be phased out all together.
I never considered suicide. I could never do that to my mother. But sometimes I feel like I’ve lost to much in this lifetime and I’m so confused and lost in the fog I wonder if I can ever find my way back again to clarity. To confidence. I wonder if I did take my alone life, I might be able to wipe the slate clean and start over with a new one. If rebirth is really a thing.
I’ve always had the dream to travel and see the world. But what fun is that if you don’t really have anyone to see it with?
Don’t worry I’m not about to kill myself, I don’t have the balls. I just feel myself slipping further and further into this abyss and find myself wondering more and more each day what drives me? Does anyone really care about me? Will I ever be able to stop worrying what others think?
I feel so lost and I don’t know how to find my way back again.